• Nick Pennman

“Dark Wizards just need counseling” – Ministry of Magic to release prisoners and defund Aurors

UK – Following in the footsteps of the United States, the Ministry of Magic has just passed a ruling to defund all aurors in the Wizarding world.

“By investing in social care as opposed to aurors, we can reform communities before they even cast a dark spell”, stated UN ambassador and head of the Ministry, Hermione Granger.

The Bugle was able to track down former death eater, Lucius Malfoy for his thoughts on the changes.

“They’re a step in the right direction. I didn’t come from a privileged background, so I was forced into the dark arts. Perhaps if I had counseling in my gated community, things may have been different”.

With inmates in Azkaban set to be released in under a month, the ministry has sent a team of muggle therapists led by Dr. Oz to reform the prisoners prior to their release.

“It won’t end well”, stated a newly divorced Ron Weasley as he sinks his 10th beer from a bachelor pad in London. “The world’s gone mad. They’re death eaters aren’t they. How my missus. Former missus, thinks a bunch of muggle therapists are going to reform them, I’ve got no idea”.

A now drunk and unemployed Harry Potter nods in agreement. “They took my wand. I’ve had to get a job at the local Aldi. When things go to shit, and they will, Hermione better not send an owl. I’ve already saved that world once”.