• Nick Pennman

CNN: American’s only support Trump ironically

A recent CNN poll suggests that most Americans agree that it’s best to stay inside to avoid anything bad happening, ever again.

“I don’t know why governments didn’t think of this sooner. It’s so safe inside. We don’t need to risk our lives outside the home”.

Democratic officials agree. “If we just eliminate living, we can live risk free. No sunburns at the park. No car accidents. No shark attacks at the beach. Just eat, sleep and Netflix. Forever”.

In response to these findings Presidential candidate Joe Biden plans to mandate human sized hamster bubbles for all citizens if elected.

“By mandating human sized hamster balls in conjunction with a ‘never leave the house’ policy, I might be able to eliminate death”.

The Bugles own sources suggest that “cure death 2020” may be the Democratic parties official slogan for the upcoming election.